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a new stronger, firmer gay army
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| the skinny |
[23 Oct 2009|12:33am] |
holy motherfuck do i ever want a cigarette tonight. i thought about them a lot today. some days i don't. most days i do. my stepmom goes - don't you feel soooo much better??? aren't you glad all that's behind you. no bitch, i wanna fuggin' smoke. i don't feel any differently at all. only i'm extra stressed that i can't have a cigarette. after/before/during any kinda stress really, an orgasm, food, finishing a paper, an exam, a walk to the fucking truck, finishing a thought... ugh. i'm sure it'll get better because i'm not gonna smoke again. one thing i won't be is some annoying shit who's all like - OMG if i can do it YOU CAN TOO!!! :D :D :D on the contrary, smoke on smokers. i'm so goddam jealous too. know that.
if you ever hear someone say - oh you can only quit if you rEALLY want to. cold slap that ignorant bastard across the face. no one wants to quit. ever ever ever. so if you believe that mess, you really will never quit. and that's all i got on that.
i'm sure it has a lot to do with taking one of the hardest exams of my life this evening combined with the end of radek and todd. i don't have him to bitch to anymore. wait, did i ever? i'm pretty sure i just listened to him talk about himself and his friends. well, i'm not sure who to chat listen to now that he's gone. maybe i can update my lj? please don't die lj. i love you.
thank god for matrice. matrice the only black person in the computer science department. matrice one of the few women in the computer science department. matrice, who, no matter how terrible i'm feeling about radek, school, life can make me fucking nearly stroke out from laughing. it's just me and her sometimes.
it's getting about that time again y'all. time to go. i'm nearly graduated. sending out announcements. looking at flats, jobs. who cares. i'll probably get drunk nestled on mary black's beautiful tits for about a month anyway. i thought about taking the siberian railway from moscow to vladivostok. in january. alone. so i can read all the southern writers i've been trying to get to in peace. seems like the perfect environment for this to me.
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| once a prick... |
[11 Jul 2009|07:03pm] |
my esteem for my parents has drastically declined since the 4th and seems to be dwindling by the day. there's far to much history and boring shit to say so i'll make it short.
my mother is absolutely bat shit crazy. she cries and screams and freaks out for no reason at all. i used to think it was menopause. but that has come and gone and she seems to be getting worse. the terrible thing is she has some kind of weird jealousy thing with my sister so when they fight i'm smack in the middle every time. not that my mom is entirely to blame every time either. my sister does some fucked up shit too. eh...
my father is a whole other story. he married a gold-digger who made sure to cut me and my sister off from his life soon as you can say joint account. so he goes off all mid-life-crisis like and starts a brand new family with my stepmom. who is cool i guess but i've always been acutely aware that my dad is her meal ticket. even when i was young. so now i get to watch my brother enjoy every perk in life that my sister and i never had. and what's so so so fucking bad about it is he seems to gloat in watching us feel... what? jealous. that's not right. pissed off is more like it. they go and buy him a brand new car today. you know, just for the shit of it. every time i walk past him he's like - are you jealous? are you jealous? are you jealous? i just say no. i just want peace. what i really want to say is - no motherfucker i'm not jealous. i fucking despise you. always have. coming back here in a way makes me feel better because i know i'm not just being childish about it. it really happened. fuck you for prepaying his college. fuck you for all this shit you do for him that you never did for us! in fact, you haven't done one thing beneficial to my life since 5th grade. or wait... ever? 'but i payed child support.' child support schmild support. fuck you and your momma too bitch. that's none of my concern. i can't wait to get the fuck outa here so we can go back to not knowing each other. don't even think of asking for a visit.
on the other hand. i actually care about my mom. this is so lame.
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| no subject to speak of, yet oh so many |
[14 Jun 2009|11:23am] |
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music |
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marsheaux - promise |
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how can it be that i'm still working nonstop with next to zero free time? i'm burnt out y'all. more so than i think i have ever been in my entire existence. time and a half school since january '08 will do it.
the internship is going well. i can never really tell if david is pleased with me anymore. this is tricky for sensitive me who always worries about things like this. i need finite verbal status checks please! there's another intern there who knows his shit better than i, doesn't work, has only 1 other easy class, comes and forces david to work everyday and basically makes me look like a huge slack. i can only give him 2 8-hour days. even that makes me stay up until 4am doing homework. although the experience i'm getting doing this web app stuff is priceless i've quickly come to realize there will be no pay here afterall. all the lovely ice cream castle in the sky images david painted over last semester were pure fantasy. i really shouldn't complain. he's really a great teacher and honestly, i still get stuck a lot and rely on him to dig me out.
speaking of... i went to show the client her webpage and get feedback from her. bare in mind that she's approved that ugly design i posted here a while back. so it takes me three weeks to get it all coded and and feeling quite proud of myself. i go in to see her and she goes - i don't like it. i'm like - *smile* can you please tell me specifically what you don't like about it because we can really change anything. she proceed to rip the thing apart from top to bottom leaving me with a super fake smile, a hand full of worthless paper, and a dreamweaver full of worthless code. so, i had to start entirely over again from nothing. hura!
my little brother graduated high school. it was an emotional day for me for reasons other than this. but i went from being enraged at the praying they kept doing after the state told them not to. to crying and hiding my face from this truly truly amazing speech their valedictorian gave. tyler said he never spoke in school to anyone. but seemed to have no problem addressing 3,000 rednecks packed into the pace high school football stadium. up walked this shy meeb looking kid and out came a torrent of language, whipping the crowd into tears and laughter and back again with a fervor that would make adolf hitler cream his draws.
my under the table hair styling racket has taken off. which is strange for the summer time - if you work in the business - you know this. i've managed to procure about 2 colors a week which keeps me in pocket money. for this i am happy because going back to the salon would be torturous for me at this point. you see, there's a big difference between choosing my clients myself and having them choose me.
i keep thinking to myself - this is the last of this or that. this is the last spring in florida i will see for a while. this is the last of my sister's birthdays i will be around for. last time to grow a real garden. it's funny how i appreciate things more when time is drawing to close.
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[26 May 2009|07:13pm] |
in other news skin is coming along rather nicely.
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| workity work work |
[09 May 2009|09:06pm] |
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i've been in geek heaven working with hail. it doesn't get much better than playing with flash and designing with photoshop and fireworks for me. hopefully i'm getting better. and coding in dreamweaver is super simple. almost too simple. i really like coding and it kind of sucks the nerdiness out of it... oh well, it's fast.
so i spent the day with david and he gave me my first real job! just like doing hair i have to constantly remind myself to do things as the client wants and not what i think looks good. so i'm doing a site for a skin care boutique called skin. i did the prototype today and i'm not sure how i feel about it. the color scheme is not what i would have chosen and their logo is butt ugly. i did provide the fagtronic fabulous aspect though. criticism is warmly welcomed even if you don't know much about this stuff. like it? hate it?
skin
in other news, i'm giving myself the day off tomorrow.
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[28 Apr 2009|01:29am] |
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music |
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judy collins - just like tom thumb's blues |
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if someone said to me - 'i need you up at 4:30 in the am' - i'd say 'no, that's my time and you can't have it', or, seriously consider the consequences of not doing that. unlike me, my stepmom has no problem with it. she'll work a 8 - 10 hour day, make cupcakes for a person she sorta knows that's dying of cancer in a hospice somewhere, ninja into a state park, saw down an oak tree, widdle a new banister with her bear teeth, sledgehammer out some old tile and completely replace and caulk a new shower, and have dinner ready by 6. this is the kind of bitch i wanna be. i'm exaggerating but seriously she's pretty amazing.
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| real men love jesus |
[23 Apr 2009|11:48pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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today was my last day of classes. three more exams left and i'm done! i'll never have another java class. boo! nor xml, javascript, wsdl, or soap classes either. those hurt my soul and i'm glad they're over. maybe i know something more? i'm not sure really. i'm fucking beaming but a little sad i won't be programming any longer with my little group. on the way out this evening i gave matrice, gay-but-too-bible-to-know-it nick, and the russian girls big hugs and kisses. we had a nice time in that little unix lab. time to move on.
now it's time to get further into the web ap stuff. i had a great conversation with one boy utkarsh during a break. he is from india and although a bit of a smarty-pants in loo of his rather nominal programming skills, is really an interesting bastard. i had a class a billion years ago called 'world religions' and we learned a bit about hinduism but honestly i don't remember much. some things he told me tonight:
- he never ate any ANY meat until the age of 21
- his parents are so hardcore they don't wear shoes or eat anything after 6pm to minimize even the bacterial life they might destroy
- he said it was the worst day of his life when his father found out he was eating meat
- he taught me some basic hindi like yes, no, and 'i think you're sexy'
- he refused to teach me how to say sexy to a boy
- gays in india (or at least from what utkarsh knew and i'm rather sure has been very sheltered) live segregated from the rest of society, although most are very tolerant
- regardless, he said the first 'law' of hinduism is to accept everyone, especially other religions
the conversation ended with me feeling pretty enlightened and thankful to him for answering my ridiculous questions. the whole deal seemed very naturist. and i can absolutely understand how it sprung up around people simply observing and enjoying what they could see around them.
one more stack of shit to blast through and i'm on to summer time.
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| work that mid-drift honey |
[16 Apr 2009|10:13pm] |
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music |
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alcian blue - night sky |
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renaissance fair people are very serious people.
this week has been an emotional mind fuck. i have a million projects to finish up and i need to man up for six finals. i'm loosing it yall. radek and i had our first major throw down. the good news about that is everything is fine now and i feel just crazy for even starting up. i don't know what i'd do without him. each day of this week has been particularly heavy in it's own way. but today was the first that i nearly lost my shit. so, i have to do a presentation with this german lady. she doesn't have the english skills to write the paper for it so she said she'd do the research and i would write the paper/presentation. so she emails me with one page of notes. one page of notes does not a presentation make. no worries, i do the paper basically on my own. today i see her up whispering to the prof after class. german lady never whispers. she is loud and obnoxious always. i see the prof's eyes darting from me to her and back so i know something's up. so i go up and stand directly behind her. truthfully, the prof has changed the specs on this thing 3 times now so we're all a bit confused. but! i full on hear her telling the prof about all the work she did and how could he change the specs after all the work SHE did. it took every molecule of my self control not to go slap the fuck off on this lady right there. she's basically brown nosing, implying that i've not done anything and she's shouldered the entire burden of this presentation. holy shit. so i pull myself together because i know i've still got to work with her until the end of the term. so i politely let her know i'm standing behind her and that i'd heard everything she'd said. she looks all sheepish and starts tripping over her words. and i also let the prof know the real story about how we came about completing "our" work. god. damn. it. when this is all over she and i are going to have words for sure. i'm almost looking forward to that more than finishing all this mess.
something great did happen though. i registered for my FINAL semester! it was a feeling comparable to being rescued from a deserted island. and even better is...i haven't been able to take many electives in efforts to knock out all my core classes on time...so the last term will be mainly fun design classes with only 1 grind-it-out class. the end is in sight. more than just in sight...it's fucking paid for.
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| while(suck) { |
[29 Mar 2009|09:48pm] |
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music |
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the oh sees - gilded cunt |
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all along the florida/alabama border where i live there has been some seriously fucked up weather. friday night was the worst. i really don't mind rain. it feeds my plants and relaxes me when i'm in bed. however, friday night everyone was gone and i was alone. the wind got so bad i was sure there would be a tornado and thought i would be safer in a door frame downstairs. around 2am, in the sun room, it sounded like a machine gun was going off. i ran upstairs so i could look out at it all but before i could get close enough to the window i could feel ice under my feet (yes, i left this window open to air out the weed smell). keep in mind it's like 70 degrees. i've seen hail before but nothing like this. the entire sky was filled with it. billions of dime-sized chunks of ice falling as far as i could see in the night. i hardly ever get truly scared of weather from living here but this was... like apocalypse scary.
long story short, i spent the last 2 days trying to put my garden back together. miraculously, a good deal of it survived despite being slammed by chunks of ice for 45 minutes straight.
please sunshine, i beg you, come back and bake the shit out of my backyard.
in other crap news my internship with david has surely fallen through. i'm not sure what i was thinking... imagining he would become a responsible person before this summer, but i just can't risk it. i'm a planner to a fault. i'm not comfortable with things flip-flopping around. i'm not even sure i can trust him to get the paperwork into my advisers on time. basically, david would hold my entire life in his hands and i can't trust him. it's sad for me to say it but it's true. i'm not going to be stuck in the us for a whole other semester for one stupid elective because he couldn't fill out a form. so scratch that.
i have to make another plan. and i have by wednesday to nail it down. it not only sucks because i have to change my plans but because i'm loosing out on the real world experience.
so here i am with 4 weeks left in this semester. this one, by far has been my least favorite. probably due to shear intensity of 7 senior level classes, 4 of them solid programming...which i love don't get me wrong, but i've the foundation laid and i'm ready to concentrate on what i really like which is design.
so it looks like it's back to the country bear jamboree salon job. and 3 design classes instead of 2. whatever, a bitch gotta get paid. must prepare for trip to brazil in august!}
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| strawberry vagina |
[20 Mar 2009|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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 over homework |
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music |
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low - 2 step |
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there must be 50-60 of these happening :D
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[17 Mar 2009|12:48pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
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i am
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hiv negative!!!
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| exile |
[16 Mar 2009|12:44am] |
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music |
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the chameleons uk - is it any wonder |
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i began to nurture some doubt about going back to cz. i don't know if i can be that cold ever again. i was contrasting blasted gray landscapes of dilapidated concrete with the soft green life exploding from my gardenings. the choice seems clear. but real life choices are never clear. just when i needed it, direction came to me in the form of a boy in a home-knitted blue pully. his face appeared to me very suddenly one afternoon. it felt like when i was small and a grown up twisted my shoulders in the correct direction i should be facing then kneed me in the back.
good thing too seeing how i've been working toward that for the past year and three months. i know where i'm going.
overnight it seemed like everything became too grown for the peat moss cells they were growing in. so no time to bullshit with the garden prep. i had to get down to business quick like. everyone is in the ground and doing well. i'm fascinated with the strawberries (who have been in the ground for months...someone lied to me and told me they were winter crop for our zone... LIES!!!). i learned the hard way not to pluck the dying looking flowers out too soon. rather, the main vagina part of the flower IS the strawberry. who knew?! there were just no bees to hump them. now the sexy bees are back and the petals are falling away and no doubt we'll have about eight billion fresh strawberries in three weeks time. squash (my favorite veg of all) has just sprouted that middle fuck you finger leaf. must study in detail as i desperately want to grow them indoors in prague. the strang beans are a rather 'jack and the beanstalk' situation. they have ornate wooden stakes to grow up and strings in between if they feel like growing taller. tomatoes will not be commented upon due to their bitchiness with me in the past.
i babysat my nephews again last night. a dispute arose concerning who was the rightful owner of a bakugon...backagon?...who knows. i felt it appropriate to explain karma to them both. no shit, the little one looked at me and said and i quote "you're really freaking me out man." after that, the dispute was settled without a single time-out.
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| nerdfest '09 |
[09 Mar 2009|11:17pm] |
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music |
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lady saw - no matta me |
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phew...look at this stupid thing i made for my iprogramming class. we just had to demonstrate simple i/o stuff but i spent the evening playing with silly html stuff. it doesn't do anything so if you press the button it will only bitch at you.
last night was nerdfest which i half-assed-ly organized. i'm annoyed trying to motivate computer people to turn off the fucking internet long enough to come get drunk with me. i had to change the plans because some had moral dispute with the drag show i hinged the party around. blah! closet gay nick was sure jesus would be mad at him... what's more likely is that he was scared he would find his real self up in that dank club. no one can convince me that boy is straight.
otherwise, you really get to know folks outside the school cocoon. and booze helps too. letcher finally came out to us (ummm you weren't fooling anyone either). and amber, upon the conversation turning to mmo's (isn't it only natural?), disclosed that she spent 8 years (!) addicted to gaming. 8 years!? i mean, i know that when i'm all into it 8 hours can feel like 1 but i'm not sure an entire year could slide by without any notice. i confessed that spent the extra 20 dollars so i could play with a blood elf...because they're gayer.
david somehow manages to hook up a with a girl every time we go to the drag shows. how is it possible he can locate the only straight girl int the place every single time? and how much does it piss me off that he has more luck in a gay bar then i do?
the infamous david, ja, and sean
( oooopily )
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| untergrund |
[26 Feb 2009|11:31pm] |
lady: hey my kids would really like to see a bat
tourguide: well we'll see what we can find
lady: no my kids need to see bat
tourguide: m'am bats are afraid of people
lady: my kids NEED to see a bat!
(super patient)tourguide: i will keep my eye out for one, i will show the kids if i see one
lady: MY KIDS NEED TO SEE A BAT!
methinks: bitch go to the fucking zoo
tourguide: m'am if i see one i will let everyone know
lady: we want a BAT BAT BAT!!!!!! blehhhhnonsenseblahblah!
(lucky)tourguide: oh here's one perched but look out he's terrified of us and will leave his mount
methinks: i hope he flies out and eats your stupid face lady
the bat was cute though. and other than this ridiculous scout maiden of doom and discovering what 75 years of stagnant body odor smells like the day was simply...perfect. i love my sister and her stank hippyness.
( penises! )
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| sattelites |
[19 Feb 2009|10:10pm] |
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mood |
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radost |
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seriously mother nature and i are about to have a fist fight if she can't decide whether or not to stop pooing cold weather upon the gulf of mexico.
my seeds have sprouted in the sun room and will need to go to the garden in two or three weeks max. i will be deeply saddened if i plant them confidently in the warm days and it randomly drops to freezing and kills all my children. one thing i'm not worried about is the perseverance of the strawberries. you couldn't kill a strawberry plant if you watered it only with cat piss and hacked at it daily with a machete.
thank GOD i never got it on with david. it turns out i will be working for him this summer. he owns a web development company downtown and i've asked if i could intern there over the summer. i was really dreading having to go back to the salon...in fact i wouldn't be sad if i never had to do this work again. salon work doesn't hold much weight on a resume when i'll be using it to procure tech work in europe (quite soon!!!). so the college approved the work and are giving me three hours credit! little do they know what working with david entails 40% work 30% staring at his fine ass 25% drinking and 5% frisbee golf.
although i'm literally counting the days down till i'm the fuck out of my parents house... i've only recently realized that as my dad becomes older and older he becomes increasingly adorable. i didn't really know him for so long and then spent years and years being bitter about that. now that all that is past he's just a little country old man in my eyes. he recently had some kind of lower g.i. surgery and has been hobbling around the house high as fuck on loratab talking randomly to the cat and passing out in weird places. he looks like a straight up mad scientist.
i was at the pharmacy the other day and the checker there noticed that we shared a common last name. i come across lots of people here with the same last name as me. if you know what my real last name is you would agree that it's most unusual. so it's strange to see others with it so often. only there are two variations, my family starts it with an 'i' and some use 'e'. the pharmacy man was an e. he starts going off about family tree stuff most of which i already knew. however, he did offer some insight - apparently when my ancestors left germany and settled in south carolina they began to raise cattle. they branded their cows with an i. eventually as the family split apart and grew it became confusing as to whose cattle were whose. so...the e was born. i know for a fact that an i married an e three generations back. yes, inbreeding. this explains most of my relatives.
my sister and i are going spelunking on saturday. i've worked desperately hard to be able to take a full day free from school work. we are going to some place called marianna to get our bond on with each other and with nature. there are some caves there that you can go safely into and stare at the stalagtites and stalagmites. i'm actually thrilled but wish she still liked to smoke pot.
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| v is for victory and vodka |
[14 Feb 2009|12:24pm] |
our old old old friend lorna from scotland found this old old old photo of me and my sister and herself. i think it's funny. i was probably 18 (and had recently gone from black to blonde) and my sister 17:
ha!
in other news i have homework coming out my ass this weekend. my life has become nothing, literally NOTHING, but studying and programming. yuck.
happy v-day y'all. hope you get lots of kisses. here's a mix i made:
choke on it
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